Pieces of a Puzzle

“Heavy, Heavy hang over your pour head, what are you going to do with it? read it? play with it? or flush it down the toilet?”

 

Growing up it was a goofy tradition to hold the birthday present we were gifting to someone on top of their head and repeating the above saying.  At the end it was recommended to make one of the options the correct action that they would perform with the gift as a hint, i.e. “read it” if it was a book, and the last option had to be “flush it down the toilet”, in case they didn’t like it, because that’s how we roll (sorry Nemo). The person would then guess what they would do with it.  After their answer we would “bonk” them on the head with the gift.  It really made giving gifts to my brothers much more fun when we were able to “abuse” them a little beforehand.

Well for the last couple of months I feel like I have had a “present”, of sorts, hanging over my head.  It wasn’t something to read or flush down the toilet, but it was something to play with, to feed, to nurture, and to raise. Yep, you guessed it, a baby.  It wasn’t any random baby, it was the baby half-sibling to our current foster children.  Let’s call this baby sibling Sam Maguilicutty, because that used to be my Dad’s name… when he was a little girl of course (yes, he’s always been quite the jokester).

 Anyways, baby Sam had been in the NICU for a while and we were unsure when she’d come to us, but we were reassured time and again that she was coming.  Week after week we prayed as a family that she would get better, and week after week we received vague answers and hopes that “she would come next week”. After what seemed like an eternity she was released to us, a beautiful baby girl.  We were ecstatic and the kids were through the roof.  We were finally able to experience the beautiful moments of parenting an infant, with all the charm of snuggling, cooing and, of course, diaper blow outs that one could only dream of. 

On day 5 we were informed that she would be leaving us.  It was a bit of a shocker, as we had been told for so long that we would be fostering her.  In the end, there wasn’t much we could do and little Sam left us to be reunited with one of her parents… a bittersweet ending.  While it was a bit of a relief that I no longer had to stress out about feeding times, and how to keep an infant alive, it was still very hard on our kids, and let’s be honest, me as well.  In fact, I’m sure a standerby would have thought someone had died while baby Sam drove away and my children wailed and screamed her name with tears streaking their faces.  Another loss for them, another loved one being pulled away, and all we could do was watch the tail lights of the sedan as it turned towards its new destination.  

Many tears were shed and many hopes of a family of 5 were shattered.  It was both traumatic and oddly fitting all at the same time.  Traumatic because of the obvious emotional toll it took on us, I mean the sweet baby girl we had been praying for, for so long, had been taken away within 5 days.  And fitting because, well, this is the foster system… it is broken on many levels and while it may seem that they had plenty of time to vet both the baby’s parents while she was in the hospital, it wasn’t done.  As much as we want to be upset and frustrated, there isn’t anything good that will come from that, I mean in a way, we did sign up for it.  But we are now left to pick up the pieces of our two children who have become a little unruly without completely understanding why.

When tucking our oldest into bed, she shared her sadness about baby Sam leaving.  I shared an epiphany, that I’m sure came from the big guy upstairs, to help her understand.  I explained that her life is like a puzzle and the people in her life are the pieces.  She has many people that love her, but, unfortunately, she cannot be around them frequently because it is out of her control; baby Sam is now added to that list. Right now she is connected to the “Kim and Austin” puzzle piece but when she gets older, she will have more control in her life and can take the initiative to find any other pieces that she feels are missing, and reconnect with them.  Her puzzle may never be complete, as some pieces may need to fall by the wayside, but she can find a way to get her loved ones, that she truly needs in her picture, back into her life, including baby Sam.  She seemed to find comfort in this and I seemed to have unexpectedly taught myself the same lesson. 

Baby Sam may have been small when she came to us, but she has impacted me in a huge way.  Here are some lessons I have learned in the 5 days I had as an infant’s mother:

-Don't freak out so much about routines when you are brand new at it.  Focus on bonding and love.

-Diaper blow outs are crazy… try to remain calm and handle with care.  Freaking out will only create more of a mess then you had imagined… believe me!

-Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think nighttime feedings are probably easier when breastfeeding... it takes a lot of effort to get bottles prepared when you are half asleep!

-Mothering an infant is hard on many levels, but is also awesome… How does that even work?

-Baby burps and toots are by far the cutest thing I ever heard… Ya, I know that's gross… No judging. 

-Lastly, Mommy meltdowns become normal when an infant is involved

-----Story: About a week prior to getting baby girl, I spoke with the NICU, who informed me of her status and included that she used “regular bottles”.  When I got off the phone, I was stressing out because our oldest had thrown up earlier and we had some other tough decisions to make.  I completely melted down, threw my water bottle and started bawling.  In the midst of my “ugly” ranting and crying about what was going on I suddenly say, “And I don't even know what a ‘regular’ baby bottle is!”  Austin, bless his heart, looked at me like I was a little crazy but then sat by me and said, “Well, I guess we’ll just take it one day at a time.”  Since then I’ve had a few other “ugly” crying moments since baby came and left, and I’m sure there are even more to come!  Thank you Motherhood.

So, in the end, I didn't expect this “present” that's been hovering over me to be so short lived, but I can honestly say that I am glad it happened. I guess there will be no “flushing it down the toilet” for me. Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss her? Of course, but who knows, like stated before… It's the foster system, crazy things happen all the time. 

P.S.

My sister threw me an awesome baby shower before baby Sam came. I requested secondhand items only and felt beyond blessed. Talk about rocking my world! I never thought I'd have a baby shower and it was magical. A special thanks to her and to all that came!