Motherhood & Mountaintops

Bryce Canyon... kind of the opposite to a mountain... but you get the idea.  😉

It's been a year since our first foster placement left. We've healed a lot during this time, but I do feel a void that echoes off the walls of our quiet home, like a book that is waiting for its next chapter to be written.

During the last 7 months we've stayed busy by buying a fixer upper, acquiring renters for our old home, and opening another business. I guess you could say we've created "new babies" to take care of.  As a result of this increase of activity in our lives I have felt my anxiety levels rising and my restful sleep waning... I guess this year I am experiencing a different version of motherhood! 

All joking aside, there are times amidst all these new projects where my passion for life has been put on the back burner as I feel the world crushing in. I try to push back against the pressure, I try to lift the profitability of our businesses with my shoulders, my brains, and my tears. My time to ponder on growing our physical family has diminished as my main focus has been survival. Marketing, marketing, marketing... my brain doesn't stop, perfection, and on point execution is my goal. I find myself trying to find a solid ground to balance from; a rock, a foundation. 

Good news. I found a way for that slippery edge I felt under my toes to harden. That's right! I started praying more, I started reading my scriptures again... Well technically, I started listening to them while doing chores around the house, and I feel better when I do! My testimony felt weak, sometimes I still find myself not breathing... struggling to uphold myself against the pressure, the pressure of  my new found "motherhood" and worldly responsibilities, but the words of the prophets are healing. The words of our Savior draw me out, they lift my chest and allow breath to inflate my lungs. 

Part of our home remodel project!  A slow process but we can't wait for the end result!

A mountaintop. A place of refuge. I watch the cars, the busy people of the world rushing around me but I stay still. I talk to a passerby about the stone bench I'm sitting on, his friend's boy scout project from the 90's. I ponder in this spot, this high place above Tempe and wonder about the lives of those around me. Do they feel the pressure? Do they understand what it's like to sacrifice, work hard, and yearn for things just out of reach? I am sure they do. Life is not meant to be easy, my fairy tale dreams are often scattered with problems and stumbling blocks. Luckily I see the good in them. I see the good in you. The person that turned my lost phone into the ranger station, the little boy who barely knew me but hugged me long and hard, my husband being supportive as I work though my crazy moments of womanhood. 

I feel the wind on my cheek, the smell of nature around me. This is a safe place. Life is not just dollar signs and crowd control, life is beauty. Life is mystery, the unknown, the quiet moments when heaven touches the earth, a kiss, a hug, a moment of kindness gifted from one human to another.  

The pressure that life brings is necessary so we can appreciate when the freedom comes.  Hence, a mountain top. A place where freedom abides.  So this Mother's Day, if you're in my boat and the pressure of "motherhood" or lack of "motherhood" is too much to handle, look to the mountains, join me at the top, find freedom from worldly cares and allow our Savior to hold you in His arms.