To My Future Self… as a Mother,

I bet life is crazy right now!  I can only imagine the amount of melted popsicles you’ve cleaned up, the dirty clothes you’ve washed, and the stream of toys you've put away!  I’m sure by now our furniture has been ruined, with scratches and dents from carefree children.  Perhaps a marker has made it’s way to one of our walls, or even to the kitchen table!    

I can't help but be curious to know what adventures we've been on! My whole life I've wondered what it would feel like to have a child (or children) completely depend on me.  I'm so excited for that moment!  Wet kisses, booger noses, and sticky hands! I'm excited for a child that I can cuddle and love with all my heart.  Do we love them as much as we thought we would?  They always say that you never know how strong love can be until you have a child.  Is that something that we can feel too?  

How does having children affect our marriage?  I've heard horror stories of happily married couples, who have children, and they let things fall apart between them.  Please do your best to make sure Austin still feels loved and still feels that he is important.  Give him a hug and perhaps little tush squeeze for good measure (shhh! did I say that out loud!).  I mean, we wouldn't be considering a family if we didn't have each other!  

Right now, our lives are pretty much free from chaos… one may even say “blissfully boring”.  We basically decide what we're going to do and when we are going to do it.  We can afford to buy what we need, and live fairly comfortably.  We find time to cuddle most nights and try to talk about each other’s day during dinner.  

Kim & Austin's hike to the top of Camelback on Arizona's b-day, February 14th :)

Sometimes Austin will call me his "princess" (mostly out of jest) but I truly know that he loves me more than anything in the world and, that in a small sense, I am his princess.  The other night, I fell asleep on the couch and he carried me to bed (how chivalrous!) --- even though I was complaining the entire time!  (Don't judge me, I get grumpy when I'm tired!)  I was saying things like, "what are you doing?", "This is so stupid, you're going to hurt yourself!",  "I'm just going to have to get up to walk to the bathroom anyway!", but he endured through it all and was a good sport.  He seems to understand that I get irritated late at night, and heck, I may have been half sleep talking for all I know! (Yeah, let's go with that... It wouldn't have been the first time!)

When he gets home from work I try to be in a good mood and yell “hooray!” or something equally nerdy, and if I remember to do this, I've notice it makes a big difference in the rest of our evening.  He is also good to give me a hug when I need it... even though I usually have to ask.  

Of course these are the good memories that I am I writing down.  Obviously, things don't always go smoothly, for example, today I was upset, because he didn’t respond to my text message, and that basically ruined the rest of the evening.  Oh, and he can get grumpy and impatient too, so just know that things are not always roses and butterflies!   

As much as it sounds like we have it good, it seems inevitable that there always comes a time when we are done talking, done being goofy, and done working on projects.  There is always a time where the tv comes on, and not much more communicating happens until we decide to read scriptures and go to bed.  As much as we feel we are happy, we also know that we are not full.  We have space left in our house and in our hearts.  Our dinner chairs sit empty, beckoning for an occupant, and our backseat in our car has a constant vacancy sign.  The brief moments when we are able to fill these spots, we feel happy, but then that disappears, and we are once again living in a half used home with a half used car.  

Obviously, it's hard for me to completely comprehend the magnitude of motherhood.  It's hard to know if I will truly enjoy every moment of it... 24/7... for the rest of my life; but, I know that if we don't take this step, we will always regret not sharing the love that we have in our hearts.  When we have children, I hope that I am no longer Austin's only "princess", I hope that if we have daughters, that they have become his "princesses" and if we have sons, they can be my "princes".  In the end, I hope most of all, that if the ideal love we seek with our children, hasn't happened yet, that we keep trying.  We keep moving forward, day-by-day, we keep praying and doing our best to love our children the way the Savior would have us love them. I  hope that we continue to seek inspiration on what to do in difficult situations, and I pray that we don't give up on them, or ourselves.  

Future self -  If all else fails, please remember that I believe in you.  I believe that we can make a difference, in our lives and the lives of our future family.  Be the strong and resourceful mother that I know will be there someday... and if that fails, just fake it - and hopefully no one will notice!     

With love,

Kim - present day - circa February 2015