You Were Mine for a Little While

"You don't realize how strong you are until being strong is all you have left." I heard this in a church video recently and I can't stop thinking about it. 

Since the kids moved out a week ago to live with their dad, I've had a lot of people say things like, "I just don't know how you're doing this", "I cannot even imagine what it's like". All I can think of as a response is that it is hard, it's really hard, and trying to be strong is the only thing keeping me from breaking apart.

"Her room"

I spent two days cleaning and straightening their rooms and now I walk past them to only see a ghost of what once was. The kids have come over twice since leaving, once to pick up belongings and another time for a Family Home Evening. On both occasions my "used-to-be-daughter" beckoned for her brother to "come see my room, come see my new bed!" He raced after her and they were both in awe of the new full size bed that's in "her room" where her twin bed used to sit. It's obvious that they are still attached here... and I am still attached to them. 

It now becomes the struggle for us to know how much contact we should maintain. I'm glad for a positive relationship with their biological father and grandmother, but is it healthy for them to keep coming over? Or is it hurting their ability to attach to their new situation? Hurting their ability to attach to their new caregivers? These are the questions on my mind... I'm trying to figure out what's best for them and I'm at a loss. I guess we'll take it one day at a time.

These are the "memory books" I've created to give them

As I'm going through these emotions, I've found myself doing strange things:

- I broke down in tears when I ran out of laundry detergent 

- I've put together "memory books" for them, and for us, with digital pictures and collections of their art projects.

- I've laid in bed until 8 AM, not actually sleeping that whole time, just reflecting and taking it easy (confession: it's now 8:30 and I'm still lying here...) 

- I made numerous mistakes at the mattress store last week. Nothing major, but silly things that I usually pay more attention to. All has been rectified but my mind has been elsewhere I guess. 

- I had a conversation with a stranger at Jiffy Lube yesterday about my recent life changes. For some reason I think that people see me and think, "she was a mom that took kids to school but now she's not". So I obviously have confusion in this new role that I'm in and constantly feel like I need to explain it others... Talk about an open book! I've had similar conversations with mattress customers and the guy that makes keys at Lowes... It's free therapy I guess. 

- Most of all I think about how I miss holding them and snuggling with them. I miss their giggles and playful attitudes. I miss their mess and finding random things in random places. I miss their hugs and kisses. I especially miss feeling needed and special... Because to them I was special, I was their mom... And now I'm not... And that hurts. 

So how am I doing? I'm sad to have lost the first kids I ever mothered but happy they're with their family. I am glad to have strength to keep me afloat. Strength that I've found from the support of my husband, my family and my friends. I am truly blessed by so many cheering us on. I am lifted up by God and the firm foundation He provides in our ever-shaking lives.

What I want to say most of all is a message to my first children. Something I've been dying to say to them but they're too young to understand. Perhaps one day they'll find this blog, perhaps one day they will read and remember they were mine for a little while. To these children, more than anything, I want to say this:

I may not have been your first or even your last mother, but you made me a mother for the first time and I will always remember you and I will always love you for that. Thank you my sweet little ones! 

Love, 

Mama Kim