The Freedom of Letting Go

Our view during our lunch break

The Devil's Garden was more of a sanctuary than a hell on Earth. It was there, in the midst of our 9-mile hike in Arches National Park that we found ourselves on the top of a sandstone ridge. It was there where we were alone. The quiet settled in around us and the sounds of nature bounced off the canyon walls. 

Eating lunch in such a glorious spot seemed unfitting. I imagined ancient tribes performing sacred sacrifices to their Gods.  I also imagined prophets of old kneeling in prayer to seek revelation. I yearned to pray too... So I did. I prayed in my heart and I blew it to the sky. I prayed for my used-to-be foster kids and I prayed for us. God surely could hear me, right?  

The best thing about it is that in that moment I felt total freedom. I was able to let go. Let go of the responsibilities I have as Young Women's president, let go of my mattress store responsibilities, and most importantly let go of the overwhelming feelings I get when I think of "my" kids who are now gone.  We were gone for 4 days and I haven't felt that free in a long time. 

Now that I'm back to normal life I find myself grasping to hold on to those things that I had just let go. I'm grasping because I'm afraid I'll forget. I'll forget what it's like to be a mom and I want to remember, so I hold on... Unbeknownst to me, it's those moments of grasping that keep hurting. I'm trying to remember the way I felt on the ridge, I'm trying to remember how to let go. I'm trying to forget the dreams that wake me up, the dreams where the children I mothered are crying for me because deep down I know that's not true. I know they're adjusting, quite well actually, and I think that my dreams where they cry out for me are actually indicative of my subconscious crying out for them. 

As I reflect on this past weekend of travels I am superbly aware that I needed that time away. I needed to be away from everything just so I could feel the freedom of letting go.

On a side note:

I've had many people reach out to me in support and I really appreciate it. My apologies if I don't get back to everyone right away. This is all new to me and I'm not always good at verbalizing my feelings. I'm actually much better at writing them... Which is a big reason why I blog. When I write I cry (and sometimes laugh), and when I'm with friends I mostly just like to laugh. 😉

Just hanging out under the "Love Arch"... jk, that's not what it's called, but I think it should be.   

The Lone Explorer

Here are some goofy pictures we took... we're really photogenic. :) 

Austin: 'Conqueror of Sandstone'

My pet arch... "here Delicate Arch, come to mama!"

Trying to hold up the Arch... a little bit of a fail on this one but oh well, if only I knew how to Photoshop my hands so they lined up right!

I've been held captive! Ahh!

Now that's a hunky stud, carrying a mountain! (don't mind his shadow... that's the illusion, hehe)