2.5 Months as a Mother

Yes, I have survived! Took these selfies today as proof!

(Then I put on a hat & earrings, because I thought I looked funny... but then I decided to post both anyway, no shame! )

The last couple of months have been quite the roller coaster.  At times I wonder if I am truly the mother I want to be.  Parenting kids in the system can be difficult yet rewarding.  We really have to set clear boundaries of what's right and wrong.  They push and pull trying to test how far they can go.  They also remember everything, and if anything changes, they will ask why it is different.  This isn't always a bad thing, but they definitely try to use it to get what they "want", rather than understanding that sometimes things change because they have to.  At this time, there is not much room for gray areas, which makes me a little sad. I hope that once we get our clear boundaries and structures set, that every once in a while we can have some fun "gray areas" to mix things up a bit!  i.e. random ice cream dates, extra bedtime snuggles, and going out in public more, with the understanding that it's the exception rather than the rule.

My heart is still guarded, but I can feel the wall slowly breaking down.  I feel my heart widening and the warmth of their little smiles, hugs, and personalities wrapping up inside of me.  

 I recently went to our church girls camp as a youth leader, and our oldest was really sad when she found out that she couldn't come, "but I'm a girl! why can't I go?"  Austin pulled her aside and told her not to worry, "when you're 12 you can go".  She then replied, with tears streaming down her cheeks, "but what if I am not living here when I'm 12!"  Later that night, he asked her, "do you sometimes worry about where you'll live?" and she responded that she did.  He comforted her and told her that we would keep her as long as we can.  So much of me wants to give her answers, wants to tell her that she can stay forever, but what will the judge say?  How long will she really be with us?  It becomes very complicated, and talk about a hard conversation... how do you explain to a child that a judge, some random person they've never met, will decide their fate?  

Anyways, here are some fun memories lately:

• The morning before we took our kids camping, we reminded them that we would be leaving later for our trip. Our youngest exclaimed, "Oh, I need to wear my camping pants!" He then ran into his room and proceeded to change into his camouflage pants... oh yeah!
• Recently our oldest had two days in a row with no timeouts.  At bedtime, when reflecting on how great she did, she said, "what if i can go 3 - 100 days without timeouts?!"  I definitely thought that was a great idea!  Unfortunately, her streak was short lived... but there is always hope! 
• When our youngest first came to our home, he would often say, "hello.... stinky" or "hello... goo goo pants" (to be funny).  One time I said, "oh, how about you call me something nice that will make me feel good."  He then put his finger on his chin and contemplatively said, "um, Hello, beautiful!"  and so he now calls me "beautiful" periodically and it melts my heart.
• Our oldest recently had the epiphany that she actually had 2 Moms and 2 Dads, her birth parents and her foster parents.  She then asked me to explain what made her birth dad different than Austin, her foster dad, because he (her birth dad) was never pregnant with her, like her birth mom was... well I'll let you think about how the rest of that conversation may have went.  She eventually changed the subject, phew!  Talk about sweat mode!
• On Friday nights we have "kid choice" meals, where the kids get to pick what they want for dinner.  I thought they might get all crazy on us and want to go out to eat, or get something real fancy, but that's not the case at all!  They always pick something super easy, simple to cook, and sometimes it's even left overs!  In the end, they love it, because it is their decision.  It makes me happy because I can see that it makes them happy.  I also let them help me cook on these nights so it's more interactive for them. (For these meals, I still require that they choose one fruit and one vegetable to eat with it and they don't seem to complain when they're the ones picking it!)  

Lastly, a couple of my favorite things about fostering children that are older than infant age:

• They sleep through the night
• They can feed themselves and are potty trained
• We can jump right into fun family activities like bike rides, hiking and camping
• We can play card games and do puzzles together
• They can tell us what is wrong. i.e. "my tummy hurts"

So, if you are thinking of fostering, I'd say "yay"!  It is hard and crazy, but fun and rewarding all at the same time!