Motherhood-in-the-Raw

Sometimes being a mom makes my face do weird things... 

Journal excerpt from January 18, 2016:
"Running a business and being a 'single parent' is one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. Austin has been gone a lot studying for an important exam and I've played the main parental role for the last three weeks. It's amazing the amount of literal pressure I feel on my shoulders at times. As if it's trying to crush me, bending my chest inward and causing my lungs to forget how to work. My bed beckons me much earlier than usual and my regular chores mock me.  I find myself alone, trying to remember how to breath, trying to remember how to relax. Priorities are difficult but necessary.  My actions don't always feel like an accurate representation of the type of mom I want to be. 'Fun' fades in and out as if I'm dreaming. Discipline seems normal, not an exception. Success feels slim, failure is overbearing.  Whining, complaining and demanding voices dominate my ears, while constant reminders of manners, use of correct voice tones, and social cues reverberate from my lips."

These are the words I wrote two weeks ago in my journal. Looking back, parts of what I wrote sound harsh and a part of me would like to erase them... But these feelings were real at the time and they are a part of the roller coaster I am on... "Motherhood-in-the-raw" as I'd like to call it. (I am doing much better now that I have a rhythm with Austin gone so much... but the first couple of weeks were rough).

I am constantly learning how to be a mom or perhaps I should say I'm learning how to be a better mom. My patience wears thin at times but there are other times I overflow with happiness. 

Here are some recent success stories that make me feel better when the feelings of being a "bad mom" seem to overwhelm me: 

- For Christmas I was given a recipe book. While looking through the pages my daughter kept saying, "gross!" or "I don't like that!". I asked her if she'd ever tried these recipes before and she said no. So I told her a better thing to say would be, "I don't know if I like it or not because I never tried it before." We then practiced saying that while looking at some different recipes. Later that night, Austin comes home and decides to cut up an apple. He asks her if she likes yellow apples. She stopped for a minute, looked at me and then said, "I don't know if I like it or not because I never tried it before." Success!! I  practically jumped out of my skin and kissed her to death! She was smiling from ear to ear.

- At the park, my daughter really wanted us to lift her up so she could hold onto a bar that slides across a horizontal beam to another landing (does that even make sense? I'm not really sure what it's called...). Anyways, the bar was just outside of her reach. Austin told her that he believed she could jump and hold onto it herself. "I can't do it!" She cried. (Too be honest, I didn't think she could either... I guess I'm a really good mom like that... lol!). A little later she decided to try it on her own and she did it! Afterwards she said, "Austin believed that I could do it, but I didn't believe in myself, then I decided to believe in myself and I did it!" It was a huge victory in boosting her confidence, even if it was something so little as conquering a playground toy. She and Austin reminded me of how important it is to challenge our children.  By small means, great things can come to pass.  

- And last but not least, my son learned out to jump out of a swing and land on his feet, it was impressive... and yes, we may or may not be the type of parents that taught him that... (wink, wink).

So in the end, I'm learning that the raw truth of motherhood is that it is hard... it is really hard, but it can be done well with hard work, a fresh perspective, and reminding ourselves of all the little successes we are making along the way.