Being Present

Random flowers to bring happy feelings... :)

A year ago I learned what loss felt like. 

It was the moment where the baby we cared for was reunited with her biological father. It was a bittersweet moment where the Lord impressed upon my mind and heart that this was just the beginning, He was preparing us for a future, for a future of learning how to lose those we loved. While our journey as foster parents has brought the deepest sadness I've ever experienced, it has also brought much joy. And oddly enough, it's the most joyful memories that bitterly remind me of our harsh reality.

Last year we were parents, this year we're not. As you can imagine this Christmas season is hard, and to be honest, I don't feel like lighting the world, I don't feel like wrapping presents and I don't feel like singing a joyful song. I guess there are times I feel so overwhelmed with loss, bitterness and frustration that I have a hard time looking for the good, being happy for others or believing that sweet things will come again. 

The other morning I went for a walk, a jog to a nearby park. I found a rock nestled just above the trail and while sitting and pondering on my selfishness over the last few months I realized that I was still lighting the world, just not with the right attitude. I reflected on a special event I went to with a friend, an encouraging text I sent to a young girl, and a heartfelt conversation I had with a family member. These things were not done with #lighttheworld documentation in mind, they just happened and I'm happy to have found a moment to realize the goodness that surrounds me. 

Later that day I had a sweet reunion with my once foster daughter and while tears came to my eyes as she snuggled close to my heart and squeezed my hand like she never wanted to let go, I realized that she was not mine. This girl I cared for, and would still do anything for, and have identified as "my daughter" for so long, was not mine. Who am I to claim her? I can claim those moments we shared, those brief times where playing pretend was necessary for both of us, but I needed to let go. In a way it was a closure that I needed more than anything else. Not a closure on the door of our relationship but perhaps a change in my perspective of what we now mean to each other, about the new roles we need to play. 

These "aha" moments have helped me to see what I need to do and how I can still light the world in the midst of my pain. Reflecting on the journey we've had thus far is ok but looking toward the future and being present in the now are vital for me to find the joy that exists in the small things around me. 

A few recent joyful moments:

Kayaking at Tempe Town Lake

Halloween - Who you gonna call?

This blog references events I've written about in the past.  Feel free to click on the links to get different aspects of our story over the last year.  Oh, and due to our current home remodel project, our parenting endeavors are on hold, apparently they don't think dangling electrical wires are safe for children... 😉. We hope that 2017 will bring more parenting opportunities.