"Yes, I would like an order of 'Public Meltdown' with a side of Chipotle Sauce"

"Do you want me to hold your hand?" 

This is the question Austin asked me today as I cried and laughed at the same time during our lunch date. I've been feeling melancholy all day and going through the Subway line seemed to be the tip of the iceberg. The Subway worker messed up on my sandwich... "Excuse me, I said chipotle sauce, not southwest vinaigrette"... she looked at me blankly and then proceeded to add chipotle sauce ON TOP of the vinaigrette. Austin and I exchanged eye rolls, "do you want them to make you another one?" he asked. As I looked away, my eyes watered... no tears yet... just threatening to rain, "No, I will be OK". 

Such a simple request...

We proceeded to get our Dr. Peppers (yes, I said Dr Pepper... being a foster mom has driven me to drink the good stuff on occasion) then we sat down to enjoy our lunch. Shortly into it I couldn't stop them... tears, then laughing because I'm crying... and then more tears.... and then Austin is holding my hand... probably thinking that I am crazy.

"Wow, she really just wanted chipotle sauce!" is probably what you're thinking. And as much as I did, I am sure you can guess that it wasn't the actual reason for my public meltdown.

The real culprit... suspect numero uno... Mother's Day... (insert dramatic music here: "Dun, dun, dun").

This is the year I might have finally celebrated this day as a mom but I've been handed the short stick. My foster kids were placed with us at the end of May last year and left at the end of March this year. In all honesty, I can't help but have mixed emotions about it, but mostly I want to laugh at how ironic it is (or cry?!?! I'm not really sure, so I'm doing both). As I've been contemplating how I feel about this day I'm reminded of the Mother's Day posts I've written the last two years around this time.  2014 & 2015

So this year I've decided to write my own definition of motherhood from my new fostering perspective, because I can do that, right?! So here it goes:

Motherhood is beauty; filled with tickles, laughter, and singing. Motherhood is ugly; filled with tears, frustrations, and yelling. Motherhood is permanent. Motherhood is fleeting. Motherhood hurts. Motherhood heals. As much as I dislike it, I still love it. It's not good for me but it's the best thing for me. Motherhood is a contradiction in every sense of the word and yet I still want more. "Sign me up for more pain! Sign me up for more joy!", because through all the emotions involved with being a foster mom, it makes me feel alive, loved, needed, and full. 

If you're a mother right now, give your kids a little squeeze. Take 5 minutes to do a "time-in" and make them feel like a million bucks because they're worth it. And if you're like me, struggling with your identity as a mother, just know that you are not alone. 

And in case you're wondering, I will go to church this Sunday, I may not love every minute of it but I'll be there. And yes, I will take the chocolate passed out in celebration of Mother's Day... and since I know the person that bought the chocolate... I might even sneak an extra one to eat while in the fetal position later that night, trying to figure out whether I should laugh... or cry... or do both. And perhaps I won't be in the mood to celebrate my own role as a mother, but I will celebrate my own mother as well as many mothers I admire by chowing down on those delicious morsels.  If anyone wants to bring chocolate by, I'm accepting donations this weekend.  :)